birthday blog :0
okay okay so my birthday was actually yesterday (and it's already 8:30 pm so like almost two days ago) but i was busy that day (not true at all). i turned 25 and that feels like a really high number like not really obviously i know 25 is not old but when i think of it in terms of myself its really jarring. in a lot of ways i still feel like the scared little girl of a decade ago at least internally. i want to believe that i've grown and accomplished a normal amount in my 7 years of adulthood but that hardly feels true. although the idea of a "normal" amount of growth is pretty arbitrary and stupid. but while i can logically believe that making my emotions keep up is a much harder story. i am torn between being extremely proud of myself like despite the hurt and the diagnoses and the housing insecurity and the lack of support i really made it this far its quite astonishing. but as the old homage goes comparison is the thief of joy(i) and it's impossible for me to not imagine myself if i graduated college and had a real job and a family and didn't put myself in those stupid situations,, but idk like i know thats a stupid ahh way to think (as the kids would say) because like i wouldn't be me and i actually quite like me. i mean physical meat casing aside which i do not like very much i think my innards are pretty cool and i think a lot of that has to do with my life experiences and that goes for the good and bad of course. what is it about birthdays that make you reflect so much lol like why am i so much more introspective on july 30th than september 12th... in my defense i am like this pretty often but like still, anyways for my bday i worked and i went to get dinner and i had one drink and it was great and if even the freshly 24 year old me heard that i didnt get super drunk and have a crazy night she'd be pretty shocked but life is so much more peaceful now like wow i really used to crave that very manic lifestyle that i engaged in and now im just so grateful to be out of that. grandma-core is taking over and i couldn't be happier. the idea of going to a college-aged filled night club genuinely gives me the heebeejeebees(???) like maybe i'd do a festival or something but i'd need to hit the hotel room at a reasonable hour. i am excited to go to smashcon next weekend to see how different of an experience it'll be when im not chasing being drunk for 73 straight hours and being the crazy "fun" one. like wow i can actually hold conversations with old friends and watch the game i loved for so many years what an idea. i mean thats not to say i wont get margs with shan bc i absolutely will but im so excited to be present at an event thats so foreign to me! wow this is rly all over the place lol. i guess im really excited for the future and what the latter half of my 20s will turn me into it seems to be going in a positive direction at the very least. i mean thats really all any of us can hope for, i hate it when like cliche platitudes are super mega ultra (iykyk) true. like "be better than yesterday's version of yourself" like wow so hallmark card but LOWKEY THATS TRUE AND FIRE. idk thats crazy and awesome i love life and living. throughout it all im really grateful i was given the opportunity to experience the rollercoaster (which is funny bc i hate rollercoasters) of life like im sitting back like what a ride and im only 25! how cool is that!? yeah ive decided overall very happy with the arbitrary reminder of the passage of time in my life i give it a 10/10 looking forward to the rest .